Day 38: Love at Denny's

I seem to be at Denny's a lot these days. If you ever need to find me, go to Denny's. If I was smart, I would've bought stock in Denny's...but, I use their booths more than their food anyway. My sister and I go out to eat at least once a week together, just to catch up. So, we were at (guess where) today. We sat there for a while and looked at each other because neither one of use felt like talking. Then, the mozzarella sticks came along...which brought us together. I don't know if it was the cheese or the marinera sauce, but we began to talk...
Our conversation ended up being about marriage love and teenage love and the difference in them. As we get older, the exciting feelings of love fade somehow. The butterflies, heart flutters, anxiousness, etc. seem to go away. Then, we stop to wonder if it's really love... so, is it? If it is, where did the excitement go? And, if not, then, why do I seem content with my relationship?
Sometimes, I wonder about how personal I get in these posts, all of the readers, and, how, in a few months, you'll know me better than I know myself, but, I don't mind. I enjoy doing this, even if it means being public about some personal things.
So... moving on...it's funny, because I came across an email I received years back from an old friend (who is a reader and she might remember this one). I had read this email and had loved the writing, so I had saved it. I read it again today, and wanted to share it with you guys. It was actually the first, ever, saved email in my yahoo account, which I've had for as far back as I can remember. So, since I am only 25 years old, engaged, and not married, yet, I will leave this one up to the Doctor who wrote this. He wrote:

Every relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and loved their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to do anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there;doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But, after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But, sometimes, people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does not lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But, you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (pay attention closely) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN A MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON;IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll never just happen TO YOU. You can't find lasting love, you have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression, "The Labor of Love," because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is not a mystery. There are certain things you can do to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in you relationship will make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision" not just a feeling.

Dr. PK

So... there...he said it all.
Tip of the Day: If you're not in a relationship, it's good to know all this before you get into one. If you are in a relationship, I hope you're in the beginning stages because that's where all the kissing happens. (just kidding) If you are in a relationship, just make sure you're happy with where you are in the realtionship. If you're not happy, think long and hard, because you probably know what to do to fix it. All I can say is: Know what you have before it's gone.